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Go to save my friend
A very wealthy lawyer retreated for several weeks each year to his summer home in the
backwoods of Maine. Every summer, he would invite one friend or another to stay with
him there for a week or two.One summer he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to visit him.
The friend, happy to get anything free from a lawyer, eagerly agreed. When the time
came, they spent a wonderful time, getting up early every morning and enjoying the great
outdoors.One morning, as the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were picking
raspberries and blueberries for their breakfast, they were approached by two huge
bears--a male and a female.The lawyer noticed them in time to run for cover. His friend,
however, was not so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.Seeing
this, the lawyer ran back to his Mercedes and raced for the nearest town to get the local
sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his high-powered rifle and raced back to the berry area with
the lawyer. All the while, he was plagued by visions of lawsuit from his friend's family. He
just had to save his friend.Luckily, the bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the
lawyer, pointing to the male.The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun, took careful
aim, and shot the female."What did you do that for?!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was
in the other bear!""Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would you believe a lawyer who told you
that the Czech was in the male?"
Outrageous lying
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box
when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car
and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded
by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card. The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.T runk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't
have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body
in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too
Part of the service
Polceman: "I'm afraid that I'm going to have to lock you up for the night.
"Man: "What's the charge?"
Polceman: "Oh, there's no charge. It's all part of the service
Rob the supermarket
A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were robbing a supermarket when a police officer
walked in the store.The three women decide to hide in three potato sacks.The cop kicks
the first bag, and the brunette says, "meow", the cop says, "oh, its only a cat"He kicks the
second bag, and the redhead says, "woof, woof". The cop says, "its only a dog".He kicks
the third bag, and the blonde says, "potato"
A cop pulls a guy over for weaving across two lanes of traffic. He walks up to the drivers
window and asks, "You drinkin'?"The driver said, "You buyin'?"
1st Officer: "Guess who I pulled over in a traffic stop the other day?"
2nd Officer: "Who?"
1st Officer: "Janet Jackson!"
2nd Officer: "What she do, was she speeding?"
1st Officer: "Nah, she had one headlight out."
Ten Signs Your Partner Needs A Vacation
10. Every Tuesday he insists it's his turn to be the siren.
9. He is starting to develop a crush on one of the transvestite hookers he arrested.
8. He wants to transfer to a K-9 unit because he thinks he'd look good in a collar.
7. He wants you to call him "Judge Dredd", and he insists that all suspects should be
executed right there on the spot.
6. He talk to himself. Half of him is the "good cop", and the other half is the "bad cop".
5. He keeps asking you if his bullet proof vest makes him look fat.
4. He is exchanging donut recipes with complete strangers.
3. The perpetrators beg him to stop talking about his hemorrhoids.
2. He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel.
1. He keeps handcuffing himself by accident!!
How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one, but he is never around when you need him.
The Helpful Wife
A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.
What do you call a clairvoyant midget who escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.
In Hot Pursuit
Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over a 100 miles per hour.
"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"
The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do."
"Oh, NOOOO!" yelled the brunette. "Are his flashers on?"
The blonde turned around again. "Yup...nope...yup...nope...yup..."
LAPD
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove
that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a
test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in.
They place animal informants throughout the forest.
They question all plant and mineral witnesses.
After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in.
After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the
rabbit, and they make no apologies.
The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in.
They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.
The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
What did the policeman say to his belly button?
You're under a vest!
Welcome To Paradise
St Peter is standing at heaven's gate when a man walks up.
"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"
"I was a policeman," he responded.
"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.
"I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids."
"Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates."
A few moments later a second man walks up.
"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"
"I was a policeman," he responded.
"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.
"I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travelers."
"Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise."
A few moments later a third man walks up.
"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"
"I was a policeman," he responded.
"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.
"I was a Military Policeman, Sir."
"Excellent my son, I've gotta take a leak, watch the gate will ya?"
Burglary Lessons
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into
his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no, no!" said the man.
"I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do
that for years!"
Oops!
A state trooper pulls over a car for speeding and the female driver says "I guess you want
to sell me some tickets to the Trooper's Ball?" The trooper responded, "Troopers don't
have balls, ma'am." After he realized what he said, he simply walked back to his car and
drove away.
New Recruit
Police Chief: As a recruit, you'll be faced with some difficult issues. What would you do if
you had to arrest your mother?
New Recruit: Call for backup!
A very wealthy lawyer retreated for several weeks each year to his summer home in the
backwoods of Maine. Every summer, he would invite one friend or another to stay with
him there for a week or two.One summer he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to visit him.
The friend, happy to get anything free from a lawyer, eagerly agreed. When the time
came, they spent a wonderful time, getting up early every morning and enjoying the great
outdoors.One morning, as the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were picking
raspberries and blueberries for their breakfast, they were approached by two huge
bears--a male and a female.The lawyer noticed them in time to run for cover. His friend,
however, was not so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.Seeing
this, the lawyer ran back to his Mercedes and raced for the nearest town to get the local
sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his high-powered rifle and raced back to the berry area with
the lawyer. All the while, he was plagued by visions of lawsuit from his friend's family. He
just had to save his friend.Luckily, the bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the
lawyer, pointing to the male.The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun, took careful
aim, and shot the female."What did you do that for?!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was
in the other bear!""Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would you believe a lawyer who told you
that the Czech was in the male?"
Outrageous lying
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box
when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car
and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded
by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card. The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.T runk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't
have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body
in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too
Part of the service
Polceman: "I'm afraid that I'm going to have to lock you up for the night.
"Man: "What's the charge?"
Polceman: "Oh, there's no charge. It's all part of the service
Rob the supermarket
A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were robbing a supermarket when a police officer
walked in the store.The three women decide to hide in three potato sacks.The cop kicks
the first bag, and the brunette says, "meow", the cop says, "oh, its only a cat"He kicks the
second bag, and the redhead says, "woof, woof". The cop says, "its only a dog".He kicks
the third bag, and the blonde says, "potato"
A cop pulls a guy over for weaving across two lanes of traffic. He walks up to the drivers
window and asks, "You drinkin'?"The driver said, "You buyin'?"
1st Officer: "Guess who I pulled over in a traffic stop the other day?"
2nd Officer: "Who?"
1st Officer: "Janet Jackson!"
2nd Officer: "What she do, was she speeding?"
1st Officer: "Nah, she had one headlight out."
Ten Signs Your Partner Needs A Vacation
10. Every Tuesday he insists it's his turn to be the siren.
9. He is starting to develop a crush on one of the transvestite hookers he arrested.
8. He wants to transfer to a K-9 unit because he thinks he'd look good in a collar.
7. He wants you to call him "Judge Dredd", and he insists that all suspects should be
executed right there on the spot.
6. He talk to himself. Half of him is the "good cop", and the other half is the "bad cop".
5. He keeps asking you if his bullet proof vest makes him look fat.
4. He is exchanging donut recipes with complete strangers.
3. The perpetrators beg him to stop talking about his hemorrhoids.
2. He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel.
1. He keeps handcuffing himself by accident!!
How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one, but he is never around when you need him.
The Helpful Wife
A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.
What do you call a clairvoyant midget who escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.
In Hot Pursuit
Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over a 100 miles per hour.
"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"
The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do."
"Oh, NOOOO!" yelled the brunette. "Are his flashers on?"
The blonde turned around again. "Yup...nope...yup...nope...yup..."
LAPD
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove
that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a
test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in.
They place animal informants throughout the forest.
They question all plant and mineral witnesses.
After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in.
After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the
rabbit, and they make no apologies.
The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in.
They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.
The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
What did the policeman say to his belly button?
You're under a vest!
Welcome To Paradise
St Peter is standing at heaven's gate when a man walks up.
"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"
"I was a policeman," he responded.
"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.
"I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids."
"Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates."
A few moments later a second man walks up.
"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"
"I was a policeman," he responded.
"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.
"I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travelers."
"Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise."
A few moments later a third man walks up.
"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"
"I was a policeman," he responded.
"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.
"I was a Military Policeman, Sir."
"Excellent my son, I've gotta take a leak, watch the gate will ya?"
Burglary Lessons
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into
his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no, no!" said the man.
"I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do
that for years!"
Oops!
A state trooper pulls over a car for speeding and the female driver says "I guess you want
to sell me some tickets to the Trooper's Ball?" The trooper responded, "Troopers don't
have balls, ma'am." After he realized what he said, he simply walked back to his car and
drove away.
New Recruit
Police Chief: As a recruit, you'll be faced with some difficult issues. What would you do if
you had to arrest your mother?
New Recruit: Call for backup!