| HouseWifeMafia.com ~ The eMagazine For Women You Dare make Me Laugh |
A recent survey done by marriage experts shows that the most common
form of marriage proposal these days consists of the words:
"You're what?!?"
What will the neighbors think?
Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave when the following took
place."It's just too hot to wear clothes today," complained Jack as he
stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors
would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money."
A very desperate marriage
A man really loved a woman, but he was just too shy to propose to her.
Now he was up in his years and neither of them had ever been married.
Of course, they dated about once a week for the past six years, but he
was so timid he just never got around to suggesting marriage much less
living together.But one day, he became determined to ask her the
question. So he calls her on the phone, "June.""Yes, this is June.
""Will you marry me?""Of course I will! Who's this?"
My daughter is your reward
Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them
in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful
daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party,
and during the party he announces, "My dear guests . . . I have a
proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my
daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and
emerge alive!" As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound
of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he
could and screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept
stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the
other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire
was impressed. He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't
think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you
want my daughter or the one million dollars?" The guy says, "Listen, I
don't want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the person
who pushed me in that water!"
A missing person
Recently, a distraught wife went to the local police station, along with her
next-door neighbor, to report that her husband was missing. The
policeman asked for a description of the missing man.The wife said, "He
is 35 years old, 6-foot 4-inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an
athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the
children."The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5-foot
8-inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your
children."The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
Top ten things not to say on your Anniversary
10. I stopped caring about anniversaries
when you stopped caring about cooking.
9. Today is our what?
8. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?
7. I thought we only celebrated important events?
6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.
5. You don't like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.
4. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me
this year. Here's a $5 gift certificate for McDonald's.
3. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.
2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay,
I'll take you to Pizza Hut if it'll shut ya up.
1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries
while you were still in love.
Why can't you be like that?
Jill tells her husband, "Jack, that young couple that just moved in next
door seem such a loving twosome. Every morning, when he leaves the
house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes
homes, he brings her a dozen roses.Now, why can't you do
that?""Gosh," Jack says, "why I hardly know the girl."
Too much speeding
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding
down Main Street."But, officer," the man began, "I can explain""Just be
quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail
until the chief gets back.""But, officer, I just wanted to say""And I said to
keep quiet! You're going to jail!"A few hours later the officer looked in on
his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's
wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back.""Don't count on it,"
answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
This wife is too jealous
There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home
one night and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him,
"Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!"The next
night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying,
"She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!"
form of marriage proposal these days consists of the words:
"You're what?!?"
What will the neighbors think?
Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave when the following took
place."It's just too hot to wear clothes today," complained Jack as he
stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors
would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money."
A very desperate marriage
A man really loved a woman, but he was just too shy to propose to her.
Now he was up in his years and neither of them had ever been married.
Of course, they dated about once a week for the past six years, but he
was so timid he just never got around to suggesting marriage much less
living together.But one day, he became determined to ask her the
question. So he calls her on the phone, "June.""Yes, this is June.
""Will you marry me?""Of course I will! Who's this?"
My daughter is your reward
Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them
in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful
daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party,
and during the party he announces, "My dear guests . . . I have a
proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my
daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and
emerge alive!" As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound
of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he
could and screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept
stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the
other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire
was impressed. He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't
think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you
want my daughter or the one million dollars?" The guy says, "Listen, I
don't want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the person
who pushed me in that water!"
A missing person
Recently, a distraught wife went to the local police station, along with her
next-door neighbor, to report that her husband was missing. The
policeman asked for a description of the missing man.The wife said, "He
is 35 years old, 6-foot 4-inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an
athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the
children."The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5-foot
8-inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your
children."The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
Top ten things not to say on your Anniversary
10. I stopped caring about anniversaries
when you stopped caring about cooking.
9. Today is our what?
8. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?
7. I thought we only celebrated important events?
6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.
5. You don't like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.
4. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me
this year. Here's a $5 gift certificate for McDonald's.
3. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.
2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay,
I'll take you to Pizza Hut if it'll shut ya up.
1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries
while you were still in love.
Why can't you be like that?
Jill tells her husband, "Jack, that young couple that just moved in next
door seem such a loving twosome. Every morning, when he leaves the
house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes
homes, he brings her a dozen roses.Now, why can't you do
that?""Gosh," Jack says, "why I hardly know the girl."
Too much speeding
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding
down Main Street."But, officer," the man began, "I can explain""Just be
quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail
until the chief gets back.""But, officer, I just wanted to say""And I said to
keep quiet! You're going to jail!"A few hours later the officer looked in on
his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's
wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back.""Don't count on it,"
answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
This wife is too jealous
There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home
one night and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him,
"Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!"The next
night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying,
"She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!"
